So, you’re considering a move to St. Louis? Well, let me warn you, it’s a terrible idea. Absolutely dreadful. There are so many reasons why you should never even entertain the thought of moving to this captivating and vibrant city. However, if you have a strange desire for delicious food, iconic landmarks, and a lively cultural scene, then maybe, just maybe, you might want to reconsider St. Louis as your new home.

The Gateway Arch – An Eyesore on the Skyline

low angle shot of gateway arch in st louis
Photo by Intricate Explorer on

One of the most offensive things about St. Louis is the Gateway Arch. It’s an eyesore, towering over the city’s skyline and dominating the landscape. Who needs a symbol of American expansion and westward exploration when you can have a plain, unremarkable cityscape? The Arch’s grandeur and architectural significance are just downright annoying. Plus, there’s an elevator that takes you to the top for panoramic views of the city, but who wants that?

The Blues and Cardinals – Sports Frenzy That Will Ruin Your Apathy

Prepare to be bombarded with sports enthusiasm in St. Louis. The city is home to the St. Louis Blues (hockey) and the St. Louis Cardinals (baseball), both of which have loyal fan bases that take their teams way too seriously. You might find yourself getting caught up in the excitement, attending games, and cheering alongside fellow fans. It’s a dangerous path to tread if you value your apathetic and nonchalant demeanor.

Forest Park – An Abundance of Nature That Will Ruin Your Urban Vibe

Beautiful scenery of water at Forest Park in St Louis

St. Louis has the audacity to have Forest Park, an expansive urban park that disrupts the concrete jungle aesthetic. This park offers serene lakes, lush green spaces, and a variety of recreational activities. You’ll find yourself torn between exploring miles of hiking and biking trails, picnicking by the water, or indulging in a leisurely boat ride. Who needs skyscrapers and bustling city streets when you can have trees and fresh air?

The Delightful Food Scene – Say Goodbye to Blandness

st louis-style pizza

St. Louis is known for its delightful food scene, and that’s a big problem if you’re content with a monotonous diet. Prepare to bid farewell to blandness and embrace a culinary world filled with gooey butter cake, toasted ravioli, and St. Louis-style pizza (yes, the one with Provel cheese). The local eateries will entice you with their delectable offerings, making it impossible to stick to your usual boring meals. Be warned: flavor explosions and satisfying cravings are inevitable.

The City Museum – A Playground That Will Make You Forget Your Responsibilities

City Museum St Louis

St. Louis has the audacity to have the City Museum, an interactive wonderland that makes adults feel like kids again. With its surreal architecture, secret tunnels, and whimsical installations, this museum will transport you to a world where responsibilities cease to exist. You might find yourself crawling through narrow passageways, sliding down giant slides, and exploring a rooftop Ferris wheel instead of attending to your grown-up obligations. It’s a dangerous place for productivity, but an absolute blast.

Affordable Housing – Prepare to Question Your Expensive Taste

If you have a penchant for overpriced housing and the joy of living paycheck to paycheck, then St. Louis is not the place for you. The city offers shockingly affordable housing options that will make you question your extravagant tastes. From charming historic homes to modern apartments, you’ll find yourself in a perplexing predicament: actually having money left over to spend on things you enjoy. It’s a real blow to the high-maintenance lifestyle you’ve worked so hard to maintain.

Free Things to Do – The Relentless Assault of Non Stop Entertainment

St Louis Zoo

Imagine the horror of living in a city with an abundance of free activities and events. St. Louis is notorious for its endless array of free attractions that will keep you entertained without draining your bank account. From free concerts and festivals to art exhibits and the zoo, you’ll be burdened with a constant stream of entertainment options. How are you expected to choose between a free outdoor concert or a movie night under the stars? The struggle is real.

St. Louis – The One City You Should Definitely Never Move To (Unless You Want to Thrive)

In conclusion, I must reiterate my initial warning: St. Louis is a city you should never move to. The Gateway Arch, the sports frenzy, the abundance of nature, the delightful food scene, and the playful City Museum are all clear indications that this place will lead you down a path of enjoyment, discovery, and fulfillment… if that’s the kind of thing you’re into.

However, if you’re the kind of person who appreciates iconic landmarks, enjoys spirited sports culture, embraces the beauty of nature, savors culinary adventures, and finds solace in unadulterated playfulness, then maybe, just maybe, St. Louis should be on your radar.

Consider this satirical article as an unintended invitation to explore the wonders of St. Louis. But remember, dear readers, if you do decide to move here, don’t blame me when you find yourself captivated by breathtaking views from the Gateway Arch, caught up in the excitement of a Blues or Cardinals game, rejuvenated by the tranquility of Forest Park, indulging in a mouthwatering culinary journey, or rediscovering your inner child at the City Museum. It’s a risk that might just reward you beyond your wildest dreams.

Move to St. Louis at your own peril. You might just find a city that steals your heart and offers an incredible quality of life!

Sign In


Reset Password

Please enter your username or email address, you will receive a link to create a new password via email.